Spring?

As the title says... spring has finally come.
I can't wait for summer to come! There are major complications and worries associated with that season, but a lot of worries will also be gone then.
Even the single day that I consider the highlight of this season is hovering above my head like a black cloud full of rain. And the rain's going to fall harder than this.
Because alright, I went there. I met people. I did things that my friends at home couldn't. And they're jealous of me because of it.
That just makes me feel better about it... though a bit bad as well, because I just feel distanced. Left out. Again.
It's happening all again and I don't know how to stop it because there's this one person... who's better than me in everything. Me being a photographer? Forget it, they get all the passes. Allowances. They get the feedback and opportunities. They also have a clone, who might be a serious part of everything here in short time.
And they seem to like me, that's the weirdest part. I can speak fine with them, but I feel ugly, short, fat, stupid, and basically like a complete failure when being around them.
They're also among my best and favorite friends, to complicate matters further.
Anyway.
I had a good time those few days I was away, though returning (and not receiving any feedback from the ones I really would like to get feedback from) makes me feel like shit.
It's like they want me to think that if I do something like this, to have fun on my own, isn't accepted and that they should ignore me or something because of that.
Hah, starting to think that they actually listen to that girl. I managed to have her photomanip removed due to copyright infringement, and I haven't heard a word about it from anyone. Alright, I'm not the nicest of people, but damn, sometimes I want to kick life back. It keeps kicking me and pushing me down, I want to show it what it feels like. And on more than one occasion the someone/thing to receive the kick is a person. Sadly. Or it's myself. Ironic, huh? Mhm. Kicking myself because I feel like crap and want to fight back. So I can be mean and manipulative at times, but that's... those times I can't hold it in. Every day it's like... I feel like hitting someone or shouting at them, but I have to keep it in because I can't make a lot of sound. Wearing shoes that make sounds while I walk drives me crazy, same goes for if I find out that my bag's making any sound. That just... freaks me out and I do everything I can to make it be  s i l e n t .
Soeh... well. I don't like getting attention, yet I crave it; I hate manipulative and indecisive people, yet that's what I am; I swore it never would get that far, yet that scar will remind me of my mistake for the rest of my life.
But that girl... I can't stop thinking about her. She's on my mind and I HATE IT. I'm constantly worrying about her, since we've got way too many common friends. And there's that concert in less than three weeks... I have to go because I promised, but she will be there and I'd rather not be going to the concert than meeting her there. Ofc, all our common friends know this. I know that she's avoiding me, and so is her boyfriend. She said she was fine with me being around, but I want to hit her 'cause her immaturity and stupidity screwed with my mind. I trusted her, I explained things to her 'cause she didn't understand... I explained and explained and explained... Am I just terrible at explaining the basics of how I work, or is she just terribly stupid? Live question marks aren't easy to explain stuff to, that I have to say.
If she's fallen into a depression? Great! Then she knows what I feel (and have felt) like! So yeah, depression's hell. I wouldn't mind her going through some sort of mental illness, she could use the experience. Maybe it'd open her eyes. And all that.
About mental illnesses, there is this album that I can't stop listening to.
A friend of mine recommended it to me, and I've fallen in love with it.
So you ought to check out Sixx: A.M.'s "The Heroin Diaries".
As the title says... it's about being addicted to heroin and the fight of getting away from it.
Though my addiction isn't that strong, nor is it that serious, but I can relate. SI is a fucking addiction, and staying clean for more than three days is a huge struggle now.
I promised myself that it wouldn't get this bad again.
Yet here I am...
A failure. Someone who's unable to keep good friends in real life (yeah, my best and most trusted friends live in foreign countries), someone who thinks she's going to get somewhere in this life but is already being crushed beneath the feet of someone younger and better, someone who shouldn't have gone to the emergency room two weeks ago, but stayed at home instead. That way the bleeding wouldn't have stopped and everything would've been fine.